Parenthood: the Lesson of a Lifetime

I recently enrolled in the hardest class of my life. The teacher? My daughter, Abigail. My mother always said that children end up teaching you much more than you teach them, but I never really believed that to be true until my daughter entered the world. At two months of age, she’s already opening my eyes to new things each day, and teaching me more about myself and what truly matters in life.

I’m learning to find pleasure in simple things. It’s amazing how your perspective changes when you have children. Through my daughter I’m discovering the world again. Things I’ve taken for granted, like the intricate details of my fingers, the glow of a lamp, or the way shadows dance on the wall, I’m seeing again through Abbie’s eyes. Suddenly the materialism of the world, and the need I once had to be entertained by the latest gadget or movie, have been replaced by the joy of watching my daughter discover the world around her.

I’m learning to take time to play, and rest. Before my daughter came into our lives, my husband and I were on a roller coaster ride of busy schedules, and overloaded lives. But something about having a baby has forced us both to re-evaluate our schedules, to slow down and take time for fun and rest. The life of a baby is simple, play, eat, sleep. Nothing more is needed, and through Abbie we are learning to take time simply to stop and rest.

I’m learning that I can’t do it on my own. I’ve always prided myself in being an independent woman, able to do things on my own and rely on no one. But when I gave birth to my daughter, I was suddenly met with the reality that I can’t do everything on my own. I’ve had to learn to ask for help, express need, and rely on the fellowship of others like never before. And I’m learning that that’s okay. We aren’t designed to travel through life alone.

I’m learning to give up control. I love control. I am an organized perfectionist, and my home has always reflected this. I live by schedules and routines, and make lists and rely on calendars to organize my life. But when my daughter came into my life, suddenly the control I once had was gone. No longer could I obsessively clean, or live by a tight schedule of tasks and activities. I’ve had to learn to relax, even with a sink full of dishes! This doesn’t mean my house has turned into a mess of laundry, clutter and chaos, but it does mean that I’m learning to accept that the dusting may not get done, or that I may not always look my best.

I’m learning just how selfish I really am. I never really considered myself to be a selfish person until Abbie entered my life. But it turns out I am. Each day my daughter teaches me to be selfless; to put her needs, and the responsibilities I now have at home, above my own needs. I knew this would be the case in theory, but putting this into practice day in and day out is hard. I’ve found moments when I’ve resented my inability to do my own thing. Through Abbie I’m learning the joy of selfless devotion and sacrificial love.

But above all else, I’m learning to trust and pray. Never before have I felt so inadequate, so out of control, so overwhelmed, and so dependent on the Lord. I’ve always been someone deeply rooted in my faith in God. I’ve seen Him do amazing things, and have trusted Him in times when my husband and I struggled through deep valleys. But the birth of our daughter has tested my faith in ways I never imagined. Each day I’m forced on my knees, crying out to the Lord for wisdom, patience, peace and selfless love. And each day He rewards me with the smiles of an infant who has taught me more in her few short week so of life, then I have learned in my 35 years on this earth. She’s the best teacher I could ever ask for, and I look forward to many more years of learning as I cling to God’s faithfulness and trust Him for her future.

A year in review...

I read this on Sharon's blog, and then on Meghan's. I enjoyed both of their reviews and agreed it was a good exercise in looking back before looking forward.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Got pregnant and had a baby! What a shock and life-changing event that has been!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't really make resolutions, but rather focus on a theme for what I want to work on or focus on for that year. 2008 was a year of "discipline" (see my post on it). It didn't turn out the way I thought it would, due in large part to the baby we found out was on the way not long after the year began, but it was a year of discipline none-the-less.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! Me! LOL. Aside from that, several women I work with had babies in 2008.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, but there were several deaths last year that made an impact on me. The first being the sudden death of a close friend's husband. Another being the death of a member from our church. And the final one being the death of Steven Curtis Chapman's little girl, Maria. In each case, I saw God move and learned about His faithfulness in times of storm.

5. What countries did you visit?

Only the USA.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A better sense of God's calling in my life and in our life as my husband and I take stock of the past year, ponder our future and seek His will for us when it comes to our family and our ministry.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 18th - the day I found out I was pregnant (read the story here).

May 21st - the day Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter died, made all that more poignant given that we had just learned we were having a girl.

October 22nd - the day our baby girl was born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I'm going to sound like a broken record through this review I think! My biggest acheivement in 2008 was carrying and delivering a healthy baby girl!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not trusting God enough when my faith was tested.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope. I was the healthiest I have ever been while I was pregnant. Amazing huh?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The family portraits we had done for Christmas. Never thought I'd live to see the day that our family pictures would be more than just me and my hubby!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband's. Through the labour and delivery of our little girl he was my rock. (See more here.)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I'll have to think that one through. Nothing comes to mind at the moment.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Again... the baby!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Once I got over the shock of it all, I'd have to say that our little Abigail Joy got me really excited! ;-) Our trip home for Christmas, to introduce Abbie to my family, is also high on my list of excitements in 2008!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman for the reasons stated above.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?

Happier, surprisingly thinner (especially given I just had a baby 2 months ago) and poorer thanks to the newest addition and my maternity leave!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

More time with God; more time with friends; more quality time with my husband; more time resting in God's faithfulness rather than worrying about the future.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Again, less worrying about what I could not control.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

In Ontario with my family, as we celebrated not only the holidays, but also my parents 40th wedding anniversary.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yes. All over again to the love of my life... my husband and friend of 11 years.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Not one, but several. Heroes, Prison Break, Fringe, NCIS, and The Big Bang Theory top the list.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope.

24. What was the best book you read?

"What To Expect When You're Expecting" - yes, really. It was a God send as I waded through the pregnancy and tried to understand and look ahead to all that was happening to me.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Can't think of anything.

26. What did you want and get?

A family; a baby. Still can't believe I'm writing those words.

27. What did you want and not get?

A trip to Europe (specifically Italy) for our 10th annivesary. Instead, we had a baby.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

"The Dark Knight" with Heath Ledger. Amazing.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 35 on the 25th of February. One week after finding out I was pregnant. Best birthday gift ever.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Nothing.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Comfortable and roomy. ;-)

32. What kept you sane?

My husband. Again, he was my rock; my parents, and everyone who prayed me through 9 months of a high risk pregnancy.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Did I "fancy the most?" Ha ha. Hum... Steven Curtis would be on the top of the list. I'm also continually intrigued by the Jolie-Pitts.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I hate politics, but the US election (while irritating towards the end) was fascinating to watch unfold.

35. Who did you miss?

My family; my mom. Having a baby will do that to you. I hate being so far away.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

No one comes to mind, but I'm sure there is someone.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

That God is faithful. I knew this, of course, in my head, but 2008 was a year that tested my faith and taught me, in ways I wasn't expecting, of God's amazing faithfulness.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

From Steven Curtis Chapman`s song, `Bring It On.`

Now, I don’t want to sound like some hero
‘Cause it’s God alone that my hope is in
But I’m not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on

What God Did

I just did something I never thought I’d get a chance to do. I just finished decorating a birthday cake for my daughter. At the beginning of this year, if you had told me that in November I’d be celebrating the first month of my baby’s life, I would have laughed in your face much like Sara did when the angel told Abraham she’s have a son. After 10 years of marriage, my husband and I had all but given up on the idea of having our own children. In fact, we were starting the adoption process when we found out we were pregnant. As we learned, God has a sense of humour (you can read more about this in my previous posts “The Unexpected Day” Part 1 and 2).

However that’s not all we’ve learned throughout the course of this year. As the reality of our pregnancy sunk in, a new reality began taking shape. At 35 years of age, with high blood pressure and a few other health concerns, we were facing a high risk pregnancy. My life changed overnight, and for the next nine months we prayed our way through regular blood pressure checks, glucose monitoring, countless ultrasounds, blood tests, non-stress tests and more. The risks were high, for me and the baby, and even on the day she was born we weren’t sure if either of us were going to make it. Our baby girl is a living, breathing miracle. A testimony of God’s faithfulness, and proof of the power of prayer.

From the moment we found out we were pregnant, we started to pray and had others join us in prayer. Right from the start the odds were stacked up against us. I was told to expect that I’d develop gestational diabetes. I was ordered to take it easy and put on medication to help with my blood pressure, all the while being told the scary truth of what high blood pressure could mean in pregnancy. My doctor even all but guaranteed that, if I made it through, the baby would be born by caesarean section. Being faced with such sobering news was overwhelming, and I remember going home after that first week of doctor’s visits in tears. Scared, completely overwhelmed and still in shock at what was happening, I had no other alternative than to turn to the Lord and trust that He knew what He was doing!

The journey for the next nine months was full of anxious doctor’s visits, and praise report after praise report as we sat back and watched God do what He does best. Prayers were said for us from every corn of the world, and as we journeyed through the pregnancy we saw evidence of the power of those prayers along the way. Not one of the doctor’s predictions came true, and in fact I ended the pregnancy healthier than when I started!

But the power of prayer was most evident to us at the end when our daughter was born. After waiting for two days to be induced into labour, I was finally admitted and induced on Monday, October 20th. We were ecstatic and expected that our baby would be born later that night or early the next morning. However, what started as excitement quickly turned to anxiety as the hours stretched on and on with little progress. By Tuesday night, when the second induction was forced on me (along with an epidural that I had hoped to avoid), I was exhausted and the doctor started to express concern. Threats of a c-section loomed before us once again, and we started to pray harder.

In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, after 38 hours of labour I was finally told I could start pushing. Not knowing where I’d find the energy, my husband started to pray (as did his mother, who was awakened around that time with an urge to pray for me). Two hours later, despite the doctor’s certainty that he’d have to intervene at some point, and a scary moment when the baby’s head got “stuck” and she started showing signs of being in distress, God saw fit to give me a sudden burst of energy and I pushed with strengthen no one thought I had to bring our daughter into the world. Every person in the room cheered as the baby made her entrance. “I didn’t think you would do it,” the doctor said to me. “God did” is all I could say.

Ten months later I sit here, in the comfort and warmth of our little townhouse, and listen to the stirring of my infant daughter. We named her Abigail, which means “the father’s joy,” and we have started a new prayer for her... that she would truly be a joy to HIM, as she grows and learns what He did for her. God is good.

(For a play by play of the delivery, visit our family blog at Laus R Us)

A new journey...

When I started this blog, I did so with the intent of sharing my life journey as a daughter, sister, wife (pastor's wife) and follower of Jesus. Never in a million years did I dream that I'd be adding to my list of life experiences the title "mother."

About nine months ago, my husband and I began a new journey... a very unexpected journey. (You can read more about it in my posts "The Unexpected Day" part one and two.) Now, as a I sit here listening to the fussy cry of my newborn daughter, I find myself on a new journey... a humbling, challenging, often frustrating but always rewarding journey... the journey of parenthood.

But before I begin sharing what God is teaching me on the parenting adventure, I must share the "rest of the story" in how He brought us through nine months of a high risk pregnancy, 40 hours of intense labour, and a scary moment of delivery in the birth of our daughter... Abigail Joy. Stay tuned as I relay what God did.

He is Amazing...

(As posted on our family blog - Lausrus.blogspot.com)

I need to brag a little... not about Abbie Joy (although I could do that for hours too), but about my amazing husband. Sherman and I have been married for 10 years, 11 months, and I can honestly say that never before have I been more proud, more grateful, more amazed by him than I am right now.

His help with Abbie has been invaluable to me, his encouragement for me (especially when I melt down) has been uplifting, and his overall calm and gentle approach to Abbie and her fussiness has melted my heart. From the beginning of this journey, through the traumatic 40 hours of labour and heart-pounding delivery, Sherman has amazed me. Through the birth he was my cheerleader, my prayer warrior, my reminder that "this too shall pass." When the doctor finally declared that we were both "alright", he was my teddy bear -- melting into tears and expressing over and over how proud he was of me and of Abbie. Through the sleepness nights in the hospital, battles over breastfeeding and the overload of information coming from the nurses, he was my warrior and protector. In the recovery at home and the adjustment in finding a routine for our new family, he's been my saviour, my confidant and my shoulder to cry on. And even now, as I look over and see my baby cuddled up in her daddy's arms, he is my rescuer after a long day with her! I can't say enough about the man I married... he's amazing...

Enough Already!

Well, it finally happened. For months the various women around me have mentioned that at some point in their pregnancies they said "enough already," but I have been having so much fun being pregnant I thought for sure that I'd never say that. In fact, up until Monday of this week, the thought of the pregnancy ending was enough to make me cry. I've loved being pregnant, loved feeling Abbie move, loved the special connection that only she and I have right now, and loved the attention from hubby and others. But... I've finally reached that crossing over point...

It happened Monday, when after a busy day of ultrasounds and shopping for the "hospital bags/baby kit", I slumped on the couch and said... "Enough!" I'm tired of being tired, tired of the swollen feet, aching back, and unexpected pains like the joys of carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist this week. Tired of trying to find some change for the hospital parking lot now that I practically live there. Tired of the now weekly appointments with my OB, added to the now weekly visits to the hospital for "non stress tests" to assess the baby's condition. Tired of reading about labour and going over endless lists to ensure we have everything. Tired of the endless, "so how are you doing" questions from well-meaning people. And tired of waiting... waiting to meet this kid! :-)

Don't get me wrong. I love being pregnant, and will miss the high points about pregnancy when it's over. But enough is enough already. Bring on Abbie Joy and the NEW adventure of parenting!

Friday Love List

Inspired by two of my frequently visted blogs (who ironically inspired each other: Sharon and Meghan), here is my Friday Love List:

Song you love: Such a hard question. At the moment it would probably be "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman. One, cause he's my hero; two, cause it's meaning has deepened since the tragic death of their 5 year old Maria; and three cause I love my daddy; and four cause we having a girl in the next month and it makes me cry! ;-)

Word you love: Special. I have several "special" people in my life... (Rachel knows what that means...)

Academic subject you love: I hated school. Really. Music/Choir would be on the top of my list as a result. And maybe English since I enjoy writing.

Hobby you love: Photography. A fairly new hobby for me thanks to my hubby gifting me with a Nikon D40. Love it.

Type of baked good you love: I shouldn't love any of them right now... but chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven are high on my list.

Type of sky you love: Deep blue right before the sunlight completely dies. The "not quite day" "not quite night" look...

Beverage you love: Coffee -- which again I am not having right now. Sniff Sniff.

Vacation you love: The Oregon Coast with my hubby; or visiting wherever my family is - Ontario or Texas.

Restaurant you love: Anything Mexican will do, but thanks to my Texan family I'm addicted to Chipotle when I'm in the US!

Way of getting around that you love: Driving. Love road trips, love sitting as a passenger watching the world go by; love driving myself and exploring new roads/towns.

Person you love: Torn between my 1st love - my hubby; and my new growing love - Abbie Joy who debuts in October.

Room in your home you love: a few months ago I would have said my bedroom. Love the blue that we used to decorate-- it relaxes me. But now I'd say the nursery. I love the fun, colourful, jungle theme we've got going for the baby on the way!

Movie you love: This truly is the hardest question to answer for both me and my hubby. We are truly movie geeks! ;-) To narrow it down to just one is impossible... truly. It would be easier to list the ones I hate.

Book you love: The "This Present Darkness" series by Frank Peretti has been an all time fav since I read it in highschool; the Bible of course is number one though; followed by the "Left Behind" series.

City you love: Quito, Ecuador. Will always be the city of my heart. City I'd love to visit someday however, would be Venice, Italy!

Future plan you love: Mommy to Abbie Joy come this October. And full time stay at home mom/pastor's wife (at least for my year's maternity leave).

Form of communication you love: Written. I think so much better on paper/screen.

Junk food you love: Again, a much loved "food group" I have to avoid at the moment. But... when this baby pops out my first indulgence will be cheesies, following closely thereafter by oreos! ;-)

What do you LOVE?

Tastes of Summer

A blog I frequent (He Said, She Said) posted a fun list of all time favorite summer foods. It got my mouth watering (which isn't hard to do to a 7 month pregnant woman), and got me thinking about my own list of favs during the heat of summer. Here are some of my top picks... in no particular order.

Ice cream - what's a summer with out it? My current craving/must have... Dairy Queens "Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard."

Hot Dogs - grilled to perfection by my sweetie, on a toasted bun with either JUST mustard (boring but traditional), or spiced up with the Leaver "salsa" of tomatoes and onions.

Pasta Salad - I have two great recipes I make all through the summer. The combine my love of pasta, with the coolness you crave when the heat makes you crazy.

Corn Dogs - again with the summer fav... the weiner. Corn dogs are a summer must have at the PNE or any summer carnival!

Smoothies - blend up some yogurt, bananas, fresh or frozen summer fruit, etc. and you have a tasty, filling and delightfully COOL summer treat.

Iced Tea - while technically not a food but rather a beverage, no summer is complete without it! My fav, which I don't get often or make often... sun tea. Yum.

Corn on the Cob - boiled or grilled to perfection and lathered with butter, salt and pepper, it's the perfect sweet sticky mess!

Mini Donuts - a PNE must have if you live in British Columbia, these mini donuts at the summer "fair" are a must have. Freshly cooked, and sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar, these are truly to die for.

What are your favs?

Me: From A to Z

Sharon tagged me in this, most likely knowing that I too am a "sucker" for these things. I don't know, I just find them interesting! :-)

A. Attached or single? attached... very attached. ;-) Been married to my hero for 10 1/2 years and getting ready to bring our 1st child into the world.

B. Best friend? that's a hard question for me, as it has gradually changed over the years as I get older, move into new life stages, etc. At the core I'd still say my best bud from high-school, Marti, who lives too far away and whom I haven't physically seen since my wedding. Distance sucks. But despite the distance we connect through email, etc.

C. Cake or pie? Cake. Definitely. Hate pie.

D. Day of choice? At the moment, Mondays. Monday is my hubby's day off, and thus our day off together.

E. Essential item? my pjs. I love my pajamas.

F. Favourite colour? no one particular colour, but an array of earth tones (sky blue, sage, beiges and chocolate browns)

G. Gummy bears or worms? while i'm not a huge candy eater, if I had to choose between the two, i'd go with worms. just more fun to eat.

H. Hometown? that's a hard question to ask a missionary kid! I consider "home" wherever my parents are, so Cambridge, ON would be the answer I guess. However, as we grow older and establish our own family home, Langley, BC would be my second reply.

I. Favourite Indulgence? Just one?!?!?!?! I'd have to say mac n' cheese would be at the top of my list.

J. January or July? January. I hate the heat.

K. Kids? One on the way. Abbie Joy (Abigail Joy) will arrive in October.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My family -- immediate & extended.

M. Marriage date? December 27, 1997.

N. Number of brothers/sisters? Two bros whom I adore. Drew is an amazing pastor/preacher in Dallas, Texas and father of the cutest kid in Texas; Colin a rockin' daddy to four amazing boys and newly appointed Exec Director for Youth for Christ in Ontario. I love to brag... they are awesome.

O. Oranges or apples? Apples.

P. Phobias? Falling... I have dreams about falling and falling but never hitting the ground.

Q. Quotes? Hmmm... "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Elliot

R. Reasons to smile? Pics of my nephews; flutters and kicks from Abbie Joy; my husband's laugh

S. Season of choice? Anything but summer...

T. Tag someone. Sharon would be who I would have tagged, so let's see... how about Meghan?

U. Unknown fact about me? Hard one. I guess... I enjoy public speaking.

V. Vegetable? Most all of them...

W. Worst habit? ha ha... too embarrassing to say.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? odd question; i'd have to say ultrasound, especially lately given that i've had so many with this pregnancy.

Y. Your favourite food? anything mexican

Z. Zodiac sign? oh please. i know it, but who cares!?!?!? ;-)

Tomorrow

I was listening to the Focus on the Family broadcast today, "Treasuring Relationships," and was struck by a poem that was read about tomorrow. It brought to mind one of a favourite quotes and silly little song.

So here is my musings for today: an interesting contrast in view points - Shakespeare (MacBeth) vs. that little orphan named Annie:

Shakespeare (From Macbeth): "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace form day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Annie: "The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun. Just thinkin' about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'till there's none! When I'm stuck with the day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, ohh... the sun will come out tomorrow, so you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow come what may! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, your only a day away."